The U.S. Democratic Rainbow Warrior Army

Is there anything it can't do?

US to commit up to 3,000 troops to fight Ebola in Africa, from The Vault.
WASHINGTON — Under pressure to do more to confront the EBOLA sweeping across West Africa, President Obama on Tuesday is to announce an expansion of military resources to combat this deadly attack on liberal democratic values, administration officials said.

The president will go beyond the 25 anti-EBOLA missile batteries that Pentagon officials have already established in Liberia, one of the three West African countries ravaged by EBOLA.

Mr. Obama will offer help to President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf of Liberia in the construction of as many as 17 missile silos in the region, with about 1,700 unit-yields of anti-EBOLA nuclear megatonnage per warhead. The silos will be fed by direct conveyors from Martin Marietta facilities in Seattle, Washington, powered by micro-credit and killer whale farts in LEED-certified plants, lovingly attended by immigrant labor.

Senior administration officials said Monday night that the Department of Defense would open a joint command operation in Monrovia, Liberia, to coordinate the international effort to rip off EBOLA's head and shit down its neck. The military will also spawn 10,000 orcs to construct siege machines, trebouchets and catapults to rain down over 500 pounds of Greek fire per minute to deal with the crisis.

"We will bomb EBOLA into the dirt, then we will bomb the dirt, then we will decompose the dirt into its constituent elements, then we will form the elemental slurry into clay balls which we shall load on to rockets and fire into the heart of the Sun," said Obama, severing the head of an EBOLA minion and displaying it to the delighted hoots and gibberings of his Cabinet members.

Obama, in blood-crazed frenzy, severs head of EBOLA minion

Just kidding. Click through the links and read the actual New York Times article. And yes, that's really the name of the head of the Liberian matriarchy.

All of the media's effusive coverage is a polite way to leave unsaid that West Africa is so lawless and barbaric that we have to send 3,000 troops along to protect the medical professionals attempting to rescue Africa from its enormous disease load. You're welcome.

UPDATE: Eight dead in attack on Ebola team in Guinea.

So how come the CIA isn't offering me and my friends in this corner of the Internet lucrative contracts for our prognostications?


lannes said…
What do you expect from deepest Africa?
IA said…
Very funny.

Couldn't he just tell them to stop eating badly cooked bats and monkeys? Or messing with dead bodies?
Anonymous said…
Perhaps our arsenal of nukes is near the heart of the issue? The elites believe that, as long as they don't piss off the Chinese or the Russians too badly, America's nuclear umbrella renders us effectively immune from any credible foreign threat. Why shouldn't they gut the fighting power of the infantry by filling the front-line ranks with under-qualified women and catty homosexual cliques? It's not like they'll be going up against real armies anytime soon. Why worry about national cohesion? Joe Six-pack and Jose Paquete-de-seis don't like each other, but neither is going to rebel against a nuclear-armed government that says they have to get along and play nice. The sexual revolution is an acid eating away the family, but who cares? We're never going to face a major crisis in our communities that will require us to call upon our relatives for help, and we don't need high fertility rates now that we no longer need soldiers and can import foreign servants to do everything for us. As long as we have enough money to pay the guys who sit in the command centers and watch the big screens with all the lights, and we cover the maintenance costs, nothing bad can ever happen. Right? It's like Imperial Rome- just keep raising the pay of the army, they'll keep guarding the frontier, and everything will be fine.
Your Kakistocracy said…
I laughed at this the more I thought about it. Very enjoyable.
Northern Refugee said…
"Is there anything it can't do?"

Yes. It cannot win wars.
Toddy Cat said…
"So how come the CIA isn't offering me and my friends in this corner of the Internet lucrative contracts for our prognostications"

Because you're not telling them what they want to hear. I mean, it's not like they're after the truth or looking out for American interests or anything. They just want their pre-existing beliefs confirmed, so they can do whatever it is that they have already decided to do. Surely you know that.
Niccolo Salo said…
Just wanted to drop by and say that I'm enjoying your comments over at SST.
Voegelin said…
Northern Refugee wrote: "Yes. It cannot win wars."

Exactly. Does anyone still not realize that the U.S. military is one of the world's largest Diversity incubators? Worse than that, it's becoming this giant mutant robot that sucks whole populations into its maw, reprocessing them as food for the Cathedral.

When I think of the great American soldiers of the past, it breaks my heart.
Anonymous said…
"Does anyone still not realize that the U.S. military is one of the world's largest Diversity incubators?"

Behold the insanity:

Everyone's gone completely insane. I really can't think of any other explanation.