Is there anything it can't do?
US to commit up to 3,000 troops to fight Ebola in Africa, from The Vault.
WASHINGTON — Under pressure to do more to confront the EBOLA sweeping across West Africa, President Obama on Tuesday is to announce an expansion of military resources to combat this deadly attack on liberal democratic values, administration officials said.
The president will go beyond the 25 anti-EBOLA missile batteries that Pentagon officials have already established in Liberia, one of the three West African countries ravaged by EBOLA.
Mr. Obama will offer help to President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf of Liberia in the construction of as many as 17 missile silos in the region, with about 1,700 unit-yields of anti-EBOLA nuclear megatonnage per warhead. The silos will be fed by direct conveyors from Martin Marietta facilities in Seattle, Washington, powered by micro-credit and killer whale farts in LEED-certified plants, lovingly attended by immigrant labor.
Senior administration officials said Monday night that the Department of Defense would open a joint command operation in Monrovia, Liberia, to coordinate the international effort to rip off EBOLA's head and shit down its neck. The military will also spawn 10,000 orcs to construct siege machines, trebouchets and catapults to rain down over 500 pounds of Greek fire per minute to deal with the crisis.
"We will bomb EBOLA into the dirt, then we will bomb the dirt, then we will decompose the dirt into its constituent elements, then we will form the elemental slurry into clay balls which we shall load on to rockets and fire into the heart of the Sun," said Obama, severing the head of an EBOLA minion and displaying it to the delighted hoots and gibberings of his Cabinet members.
Just kidding. Click through the links and read the actual New York Times article. And yes, that's really the name of the head of the Liberian matriarchy.
All of the media's effusive coverage is a polite way to leave unsaid that West Africa is so lawless and barbaric that we have to send 3,000 troops along to protect the medical professionals attempting to rescue Africa from its enormous disease load. You're welcome.
UPDATE: Eight dead in attack on Ebola team in Guinea.
So how come the CIA isn't offering me and my friends in this corner of the Internet lucrative contracts for our prognostications?